Holding Hands with my Daughter

Recently I was traveling for work and a dear friend's wedding. The trips began to run into one another with a nanny here, late pick up for my husband at Evi's day school and my family flying in for a weekend to hang with the little one. What felt like 2 weeks of travel actually felt like an entire month and I realized rather quickly that I had passed that feeling of 'busy' and cozied right on up to 'overwhelm'.

And yet, as I think about it, I was not overwhelmed with too much to do. Honestly, I had nothing to do and thought it would feel amazing. I wasn't overwhelmed with back to back clients or feeling behind. The truth is, the overwhelm came from a place of lonely. 

I have spent some time, tears, development and major communication within myself to build the family I have. I am talking unraveling the ego, re-writing stories and letting a lot of a lot of mind-drama go so that I could really love my husband, Chris and of course welcome our child into this World over 17 months ago. 

And let me tell you what I did before I left for that 2 weeks stint of travel and work offerings.... I started to detach and disconnect. I detached from my family, from my home and really from my own body. A defense mechanism to not feel pain, I inched myself out a few rings on my boundary shield and let myself feel not needed. In a twisted way, I thought this would make my leaving easier. For everyone.

And during my trip(s), I had a hard time being present. I forgot everything everywhere. Keys were at this house, a jacket was at that coffee shop I went to yesterday and my Birks were left in her backyard. It had to be so annoying to my friends running me all around town to pick up all my shit.

So I land back home here in Colorado. And by land I mean I have been home a few days but it took me a few more to truly land. Land in my home. Land in my body. Land in my heart. 

And I was putting my little Evi girl down for bed as she had basically fallen asleep in my arms. And as I lay her down, she rolls over and then reaches and arm up high in the air. Of course, Mama instincts move me to put my hand in hers. And in that moment, she brings my hand to her heart and she holds on. Even in the moments I thought, okay, she is passed out, she would not let go. 

And I wept. 

I mean full on wept, teeth baring, sob style.

Because she needs her Mama. And oh my beating heart, I need her so much. And those moments over the past 2 weeks when I was gone, my heart was lonely for my daughter. Not because my friends aren't entertaining or absolutely the best humans ever to be around, however, right now in these precious moments of her very young life, I wanted to be with my daughter. With my husband. In our home. Growing together. 

So I held her hand and leaned over that crib for a good 33 minutes. And then I picked her back up and I sat in her chair in her room and I held her while she slept. Just like that book, 'I'll Love You Forever'. I picked her right back up and rocked her back and forth, back and forth. And I loved her deeply. I connected with her sleepy self. And I felt the pain of being gone sweep over me, I let go of judgement in the choices I had made and I went all in. 

And I re-attached.

Right where I am meant to be. To feel it all. Present, pain, imperfect, and so committed. 

I am still learning, you guys. Still learning how to be a Mother, Wife, Entrepreneur, Friend. And I stumble and fall often. I share with you because it feels so good to learn together. 

I promise not to detach when I leave. In times like these in the World right now, there is no time for past drama and fear of pain, you go all in with the most vulnerable love you have got. We have to. However, I will leave again, I have big work to do. Yet, I will not do back to back trips over 4 days. I will travel 1 X month only. And I will trust that my career will shift to support my family needs as I make requests of myself and others to do so. 

Always so dynamic this Mom life.

In it. 

Love,

Jacki