I was speaking with a dear friend recently about love, family connection, life and red wine. All the important things, obviously. He is one of those friends where you have about a two sentence buffer at the start of the conversation for the material or surface level jargon and then you get down to the heart of the matter. Every time. Just like that. I highly, highly recommend these types of friends in your life. In chatting with him, I opened up that I have been crying more in the past month or two than I can ever remember. Be it on the yoga mat, at lunch with my man or in the bath tub. Rest assured, I am not pregnant. However, the crying and all the feeling is so exhausting. You guys, I am spent.
So, I met with a chakra-energy-amazing-ness woman, Kate this Summer at Wanderlust Fest who said so bluntly that I bottle up my emotions. I am literally like a coca cola bottle of emotions. You know when you were a kid and you would shake the bottle and then release the cap and it would literally explode all over you and everyone nearby. Or even worse, when you wouldn't shake it yourself and it would just explode? That is me. When I start to go there, into my heart, my truth, my feelings, the coke bottle of emotions explodes when I finally release that first tear. Thus, I feel I am in the midst of a prolonged explosion. A lot of throat chakra, as I understand. And as I dig deeper, a lot of heart.
I do know that I have had an intense year, starting my own business(es), getting engaged and starting to plan the wedding, travelling, bank accounts, possible moves, and really digging in on the grounding work. Rest assured, I am not complaining. Life is radical. However, in this major grounding into my values time, getting clear on what I want and what I can offer in the present moment, as well as what I want and can offer for the future, there is an openness or a raw-ness I feel that I am not used to. An awareness, really.
So, back to the conversation with my honest friend. I said to him last week, "I am not sure if I know what to do with my heart in all this?". I went on to share that I have been realizing that a lot of my coaching work, self help work or books I read are very brain or mind-focused, very cerebral. At least the modules I have been researching, playing, exploring in. The tools, the language, and even the physical awareness in the body - it all comes back to specifically, the mind.
And I am starting to feel a knock. A rhythmic knock, one I know well and recognize. It is my heartbeat and it is louder than before.
As I listen closer, I am not sure how to answer and open the heart. Or in times of pain, how to truly heal the heart. Or even in times of joy, how to celebrate the heart. Go within. Feel. I am realizing that I feel that I don't have the words to speak about the heart.
So, here I am.
How do you go within, create, and connect to your own heart? When do you feel it? Or even, how do you listen to it?
I really want to know.