I am sitting here in my modern chic hotel room in makeshift pajamas. Right in the middle of an over-sized slept-in bed, a 375mL wine bottle on my bedside table with three red sips lingering in last night's glass. My black rimmed geek glasses, a royal blue sleep mask and a book open and barely read also grace the marble surface nearby. The black-out curtains are pulled down, yet I can still see from the sides the sunshine trying to pour in as the day has already begun for many. And, where is that music coming from? I am un-showered. Procrastinating a run, as my phone needs to charge so I can rock my 'Ready to Sweat' playlist. Clothes are literally everywhere: back of the office chair, on the floor near the bath tub, on the chaise lounge, unpacked in my suitcase. A disarray of neon spandex decorating the room, if you will.
And there are stacks on stacks, I have packed more books than most humans would on a trip across the hemispheres. Three notebooks to write in, three large books to read, two books that have guided goal sessions in them and a post-it packet. So yes, I packed a self help office in my carry on in hopes to dig deeper in what was a 14 hour flight and an 11 day trip across the World. Felt right.
As you can see, I have just set the stage to procrastinate what I really want to share.
As I sit here this morning, a pattern has surfaced. In the past weeks, I keep hearing people tell me, "Oh, that makes me feel better". Mostly, in response to a failure or appearance of failure. Examples being: I did not finish a book on time, I actually do not know what my career goals are in 1 year, I did not work out yesterday.
"Oh wow, that makes me feel so much better", they say. "I mean, if you don't have goals and you are a goal coach then I am really winning over here".
"Oh phew, that makes me feel better" they say. "I am only on page 50 and the book completion is tomorrow. But if you have not finished, that makes me feel way better".
As if my failures make their failure okay.
Hmmph. I want to write this all mighty blog about how they should not measure against me and they should do what they say and rock their own integrity. Don't let my failure ease your journey. Blah blah blah.
But what I really feel is a mutual comfort, too. Comfort in knowing we are out there failing together. Ugh, it sounds awful. It sounds so awful. However, I realize I have created an expectation or an image. An expectation that I read every book on time. That my goals are superior and will always be set perfectly to rock my perfect life. That I work out daily and am committed to my health.
Mind you, I love this expectation, too. I thrive on being a support system, leading by example and really living in the work of goals and commitment. It holds me accountable and actually, I have created it, for that is really who I want to be and who I am.
AND and and, I also love being really honest about what I am up to, as much as I can be. The instagram filters are some times too good.
So honestly, some days I don't sweat. Some days I fail and don't read the book on time. And some days, some weeks, hell this month, I don't have a super specific career goal in mind right now.
I am a human being. A human being human rocking the successes and all the failures that come along with living it. And today, I don't want to tell you not to seek misery in others to find company. Because once I write it down or read that line in this blog, I get it. I get that it is not right and somewhat ludicrous. I get that it is only a comfort tactic for you, for me, for a lot of us to not live it as big as we can. Do you get it?
So tomorrow, maybe tomorrow, I will tell you how to get out of the rut. Maybe tomorrow, I will tell you which song to press play on to feel the rhythm and get above the line and it will probably be Michael Jackson. Fair warning. Maybe tomorrow I will tell you I finished the book and figured my shit out.
Today though, today I am exploring, grounding and getting real. In this very moment on a Saturday at 11:00am, I don't have answers. And I feel okay sharing that with you. I am going to go for a run, explore this Australian city and breathe.
And that is real. No answers. No filter.