My mind racing with expectations, a feeling of lack, and uncertainty, I looked up at Chris with tears welling and welling in both eyes and said through blurred vision, blurred voice, and blurred being: "I don't know anymore". Doubt, worry and fear had taken my heart into the depths of a deep dark space and I asked him to leave. Pack some clothes. Take our car. Leave me alone for a while. And he did.
And I cried.
I sat alone with only the eyes of a confused rescue puppy to soothe my cracked heart in our apartment. I chose to lean, okay, I actually fell on my friends, heart first and tears second. In person and over the phone, I let them hold me, hike with me, listen to me. I rarely open up this way and it was powerful, raw and healing.
In moments, in conversations, on paper with bright-colored markers I got clear on what I wanted in my life, in my relationship, in my future. I got clear on what I felt was missing, what I so loved, what felt wrong and right and what needed to change. Segmented clarity provided momentary satisfactions in the present, but something was nagging, pulling, not connecting.
I am so clear on the future, what is it that I am missing?
Was it me? Was it him? Was it us? Was it not us?
On day 4 around dusk on a mountain, my friend pushed me up a hike. She said to me "let me ask you a question? Let's go back to the beginning, why did you fall in love with Chris?"
And I stopped hiking. I stopped pushing. I stopped thinking. And I remembered.
I remembered Chris and his ability to slow me down. I remembered how he can call me on my bullshit in a quiet and very powerful way that resonates with me. I remembered his beautiful compassion, empathy and his non-jealous ways. I remembered that I wanted to learn from him, know all of him and change the World with him. I remembered how he loved me for all of me: the achiever, the crazy energy and ridiculous drive, as well as the impatience, stubborn-ness and at time overpowering ego. I remembered how he liked to hold my hand, to hold me in public and let the World see. I remembered his half-smile. I really remembered Chris.
In that moment, I let go of the blurred idea of lack, the expectations and the re-activity. I realized I was trying to force Chris to be bigger, more driven, and more aggressive. Ironic how I wanted him to be the exact emotions that I was embodying that were actually driving us apart. And then, I forgave myself. I released who I thought he should be and I should be and we should be - all the should's and I remembered who he is and why I so love him for me, with me, as a 'we'.
And in that moment, I felt free. And in that moment, I let Chris be free.
He came over on day 7 and I reminded him why I loved him. I went back in time and reminded him of who I saw, who I had forgotten and who I loved with all of my UN-blurred being. And I apologized for forcing, pushing, expecting and forgetting. I told him I love him, all of him, right now. Not just yesterday or back then. Today. And he listened. He nodded often. He forgave fast. And he responded and let me know that he realized that he had stepped back to let me shine. And in doing so, he had lost a bit of himself. He shared who he is, wanted to be and will be today and I did the same. And I felt in that moment, we fell in love (again). And I believe you keep falling in love over and over again - if you choose it.
Relationships. The real deal to self-development. I know this.
We came back together. We re-connected on who we are. Who we are for each other, for our families, our friends and for the World. We wrote new core values in our relationship to guide our intention of CONSCIOUS CHOICE. Conscious choice for what we get up to, how we interact and what we will create, together.
And he unpacked his clothes.
And I spiritually unpacked my expectations.
Chris, I loved you yesterday, I love you today and I love you all of the tomorrows. Thank you for letting me share this post with the World. Thank you for loving me as we grow, change, and rock life together.