Are You Judging my Self Care?
I posted in my stories yesterday on an investment I made in myself with a private sound bowl healing session at my house with Carol Piro of Healing Sound. I later learned it was also a soul trauma recovery session so hello self care and whoa! Hello tears and deep work. It was really beautiful.
Let’s rewind though, I know myself pretty well now and I felt myself start to worry when we had a 12noon session planned and it was in the middle of a work day. I worried what other people would think - ‘like, does Jacki even work?’ Or ‘must be nice to have the time and dollars to do that, huh?’. I felt myself getting reactive and even answering the questions with ‘ya it is nice and I work hard...jerk’. Who was I even talking to?
Because here it is: no one has ever said this to me. Ever. But you know who has? ME. I have said those things to me. I have said those things to other people’s stories. I have judged. I have been jealous. And snarky. And annoyed.
And my big a-ha in my fears of being judged for self care was actually realizing it is me judging me. Not you. It is all me!
I have old beliefs at play that limit the way I choose to care for myself, what I think a work week SHOULD look like based on societal norms and ideals, and all the money stories.
And then I put it on other people so I don’t have to do the heavy lifting.
And I woke up this morning a little self care hungover - like I had over indulged in too much self love. And it feels that way because I honestly am still learning how to receive it, fill my own cup and be in this work giving AND receiving.
Does this even make sense? Anyone do this, too?
Dare I say that my self love hangover rocked me so hard because I was majorly depleted. Dare I say most times my judgements are showing me something I truly desire or an insecurity in me. Dare I say I am going to do the self care thing again because it matters to me and to my children and my husband and my work. And Are I dare you to disrupt your day one day at 12 noon and get some major soul trauma recovery work done.
Feels so damn necessary right now.