I distinctly remember the moment I decided to stop believing in Santa Claus. It was not one of those moments in first grade when some mean boy wrecked all my seasonal imaginations. I had actually held on to Santa for far too long and if memory serves me correctly, I sat my parents down in the fourth grade....fine, to be honest, it might have been the fifth grade. With a younger sister in the house, I had to make sure she could not hear me so it was more of a whispering conversations when I broke the news:
"Mom. Dad. I know. I know about Santa."
I can almost remember my parents chuckling, considering my age and selective naivety. I continued,
"Here is the deal, although I know that Santa is not "real" (insert air quotes gesture), I am actually going to continue believing in his spirit. For the sake of Melinda (little sister) and all. Because his spirit is real, it lives in us all. The giving and believing in the spirit of Christmas...". I went on and on with my justification, more so allowing myself to hold on to Santa for a couple more years, even if it was in spirit form.
I hated the notion of growing up and not believing in Santa. Reality was never my favorite. Obviously.
Fast forward 20 something years and I am talking with my fiance over a nightcap and the classic movie, 'Christmas Vacation' is streaming credits in the background. I ask him what he loves about me. I tend to do so every few months. Call me needy, but as you know, communication is powerful in relationships. Speak up. And he does.
He tells me nice things about my physical appearance and then he says, "...and you believe in me. You believe in me and make me see the best version of myself".
As we embark on major transition like moving our home from California to Colorado, planning a wedding, creating jobs and raising dogs, I can see where the believing part of life can get hard. Believing in one another when stress levels are at an all time high and the budget is tighter than tight, believing it is all going to work out fine because it always does, or believing so hard that Paulo Coelho wrote in 'The Alchemist' that when you want something, all the universe conspires to make it happen.
But I do it anyways. Like I always have. Whether I am too old, too young, too naive, or too crazy, I believe.
I actively choose to believe.
I believe in my main man, Chris Hynes and all his skillful abilities with which I know possibilities await. And he so beautifully believes in me and all my strengths, quirks and crazy. I believe in our future because we are actively creating it, rooted in our values. I believe in the spirit of the Universe, the spirit of Santa Claus, the spirit of God because in all honesty, I want to and it feels good. I believe in the mystery and the unknown and remind myself to channel 38 Special and sing:
Just hold on loosely (to your goals) but don't let go If you cling too tightly You're gonna lose control Your baby needs someone to believe in And a whole lot of space to breathe in
And I choose to believe in me.
Believing is an action. Believing is your choice. Believing is a practice. Every single day.
What do you believe?